THE NERDY SPY: A Fabulously True Story of Adventure and Intrigue (well, sorta)

I love my friends and will go to great lengths for them, as is illustrated by the true story that follows. My mom will too, as is also illustrated by this true-life account.

The year: 2003
The month: late February
The day: Saturday
The players: The nerd, the nerd’s mother, the nerd’s friend on the other side of a tense telephone conversation, the nerd’s friend’s ex-boyfriend, the nerd’s friend’s ex-boyfriends new girlfriend (rumor has it fiancé) and the nerd’s friend’s ex-boyfriend’s new girfriend’s (some say fiance’s) friend.
The weather: unseasonably balmy
The location: outside/inside Starbucks

Our nerd and her mother have just left the mall after a thoroughly satisfying shopping expedition. The nerd suggests that they drive to Starbucks; her mom can stay in the van while she runs inside to buy coffees for the two of them. Stopped at the light right before the turn that will take them towards the roundabout outside the Starbucks, which rests by the (polluted but oftentimes pretty [mostly by night when all the crap floating in the water isn’t visible]) Hudson, the nerd sees something that makes her dramatically shriek and makes her mother confusedly scream: her very good friend’s ex-boyfriend is crossing the street with his never-before-seen-but-much-rumored-about new girlfriend (many people are saying that the two might, in fact, be engaged). The nerd’s mother demands to know what’s happening as her daughter fishes her cell phone out of her very large handbag and immediately dials her friend.

Nerd: OH! MY! GOD! X JUST WALKED BY OUR CAR! HE JUST CROSSED THE STREET WITH HER!

Friend: NO! WHERE ARE YOU?! WHERE ARE YOU?!

Nerd: Right by Starbucks.

Friend: OH MY GOD!

Nerd’s Mom: OH MY GOD! THAT’S HER? THAT’S THE NEW GIRLFRIEND?

Nerd (to mom): They might be engaged.

Nerd’s Mom: Tell Friend that this new girl is ugly! She’s SO much prettier than this new girl. WHAT was X thinking??

Nerd: Clearly boys are stupid.

Friend: Clearly. Where are they going?
Nerd: Looks to me that they’re going to Starbucks like us. We’re following them!

Nerd’s Mom: We’re so following the twit and his fiancé.

Nerd (covering the phone with her hand): We’re not sure about that yet.

Friend: Actually, I got confirmation yesterday.

Nerd: Oh.

Friend: You have to tell me what she looks like. YOU HAVE TO.

Nerd: We’re following them Friend. Stay on the phone with me.

Friend: Make sure he doesn’t see you!

Nerd (sliding down the passenger seat so that only the top of her head and eyes are visible to anyone who might be looking in from the outside): He won’t see me.

The Nerd’s Mom parks the van parallel to where the X’s girfriend/fiancé is introducing him to a friend of hers. Starbucks is some five yards behind the van.

Nerd: Ew. She’s not good looking at all.

Nerds Mom: Tell Friend she’s pretty butt ugly.

Friend: Is that your mom?

Nerd: Yah. She wants you to know that the chick is butt ugly. And that X is a jerk ass for leaving you.

Friend: You sure he can’t see you right?

Nerd: Yah. I’m practically on the floor, yo.

Nerd’s Mom: Tell Friend that she’s beautiful and that she’ll find a man who recognizes that very soon, Inshallah.

Friend (kinda teary now): I LOVE your mom. Tell her I love her.

Nerd: Friend says she loves you.

Nerd’s Mom: Tell her I love her too and that I mean everything I say.

Nerd: We both love you. For real, this girl is not good looking at all.

Friend: Describe her. What are they doing anyway?

Nerd: Well, she’s probably 5’5” and fat. Her nose looks like wet dough. It’s just splayed out there on her round as a pie face. Ugh.

Friend (clearly crying): Ew! Really!

Nerd: She seems to be introducing him to one of her slutty friends…who’s just as ugly. No way is she as good looking as your friends.

Friend: Obviously.

Nerd: I know. And, man, she’s wearing SO much makeup. I can tell she has horrible skin.

Friend: What’s she wearing? Can you see the ring?

Nerd (craning her neck to get a view of the new girlfriend/fiance’s hand): OH NO!

Friend: WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED!

Nerd’s Mom: Friend is SO much cuter than this girl. Just look at the layers of makeup on this girl’s face! Unbelievable.

Nerd: I think he saw me!

Friend: What?! Oh no!

Nerd’s Mom: Don’t be paranoid, Sabila. The twit’s only looking this way.

Nerd (sinking lower still): Are you sure?

Nerd’s Mom: Yes! Are you going to go in for coffee or what?

Friend: You’re going to go in for coffee?!!

Nerd (trying to calm herself down, prepping for the impending mission): Yes. I’m going in!

Friend: Oh no! You can’t have him see you!

Nerd: I’ll be careful. I promise. And this way, I can get a closer look at the ring. Potentially, anyway. Stay with me on the phone, okay?

Friend: I’m here with you Sabila.

Nerd’s Mom: Be careful.
Our nerd sits up and looks at her mother, turning her back to the pathetic party of three loitering outside the coffeehouse. She nods at her mother and, cradling the phone between her shoulder and ear, she steps out of the car, keeping her back to X and his new friends. Quickly, she turns towards Starbucks, her left hand shielding her face from X and speed walks to the door. Once inside, she waits on the ridiculously long line, cursing the shoddy service and X.

Friend: Can you see them from inside?

Nerd (standing on tiptoe): Yah. I can’t see her hand though. I swear, she’s a monster.

Friend (laughing and crying at the same time): He’s a jerk. He hurt me so much.

Nerd: I know babe. If you ask me, he looks pretty miserable.

Friend: How?

Nerd: Bored out of his mind. The chick and her friend are blabbing like monkeys while he’s just staring at his shoes.

Friend: Good. Jerk.

Nerd: She looks like a Kmart catalog.

Friend: What is she wearing?

Nerd: Ill-fitting jeans, an ugly t-shirt topped with this wrap around sweater thing that just isn’t flattering on her. Someone ought to tell her that purple isn’t her color.

Friend: What’s her hair like?

Nerd: Straight, dark with cheap and ugly highlights. It looks like someone took a crap on her head. The highlights are the color of poop, I swear.

Friend: Some people have no taste.

Nerd: Tell me about it.

Friend: Wow, is the line long?

Nerd: Isn’t it always long here? Ugh. She really has one of the ugliest noses I’ve ever seen in my life.

Friend: Are you just saying these things to make me feel better?

Nerd: Uh, NO! Would I lie?! Would my mother lie?!
Friend: Good. That makes me feel better. It’s just that we were together for so many years. He walked away from it like it was nothing and he’s with someone new within the month, while I’m still pining away.

Nerd: Why? Why are you pining?! You’re intelligent, beautiful, magnificent. You have so much going for you! You know I never liked X.

Friend: You ALWAYS had a bad feeling about him didn’t you?

Nerd: I did. He had shifty eyes—one tall light iced skim latte please—and I am suspicious of people with shifty eyes—and one tall soy chai tea latte, easy on the soy. He could never meet my eyes. Remember?

Friend: Yah. You were right about him.

Nerd: You’re so better off.

Friend: Gosh, I could use a frap right now. Wanna go back to Starbucks tonight? I need to get out of the house. I’m driving myself crazy thinking about this jerk.

Nerd: Yah. Absolutely. What time?

Friend: 7-ish.

Nerd: I’m there…I mean…I’m already here but…I’m there…tonight. I mean.

Friend: Cool.

Nerd: Friend, I’m heading back out.

Friend: Crap. Run, okay?

Nerd: I can’t run with these cups in hand. I spill drinks just looking at them.

Friend: Oh yah. Just go as fast as you can.

Nerd: Dur.

With tall light skim latte and tall soy chai tea latte—easy on the soy—in hand, our nerd exits the coffeehouse, her head down as avoiding a phantom glare. Her feet skim the surface of the pavement as she rushes to the waiting van. Once in the van, she returns to her half-sitting, mostly horizontal position in the passenger seat. Finding that sipping on her latte in this position is nearly impossible she puts and forgets it in the cup holder and resumes spying.

Nerd’s Mom: He looks bored. That’s what he gets for leaving such a good girl. May he be bored out of his mind.

Nerd: Oh no! I think he saw me.

Nerd’s Mom: He might’ve seen you. He’s looking right here.

Friend: Oh crap. I say you abort the mission.

Nerd (hiding under the glove compartment now and digging through her giant handbag): Not yet. Not just yet.

Nerd’s Mom: I’m glaring at him. He has no idea who I am.

Nerd (finding the tiny compact she keeps in her makeup bag): Aha! Found it!

Removing the tiny mirror from its velvet cover, she holds it over her head, attempting to examine the scene in reflection.

Friend: What?! What did you find?

Nerd: Mirror.

Nerd’s Mom: Okay, we’re leaving.

Friend: You have to leave! Dammit!

Nerd: He’s still looking here.

Nerd’s Mom: Because he sees a compact floating in front of my face.

Friend: I love you guys! I love you guys!

Nerd’s Mom steps on the gas and the van rips into the street leaving a very confused (and bored) X wondering if he just saw a floating compact.