Monday, May 22, 2006
An Open Letter to Persons Who Insist on Standing on the Left Side When Traveling on Escalators: I hate you
Dear persons who insist on standing on the left side when traveling on escalators:
I hate you. I truly do.
Do you have no shame? Do you have no concept of escalator etiquette? The rules are simple. For the love of sweet goodness, when you wish to remain stationary on an escalator, stand on the right side of the escalator. The left lane is for those folks who might happen to be in a hurry or simply enjoy climbing stairs rather than riding them. You should know better. You should really know better.
You are not unlike those individuals who walk during races. It’s called a race for a reason and, yet, you insist on walking in groups, chatting it up with your pals from work who’ve agreed to sweat it out with you. What a great workout you’re getting! Runners hate you because you’re lazy and because you seriously hurt their times. The more people in your group, the more impenetrable and frustrating the barrier that you form is. If you didn’t waste so much time gossiping with your friends and/or coworkers, perhaps you’d find the time to properly train for a race and you’d end up running it rather than walking it.
Oh, and to those ladies and gentlemen who fall on me during my morning and evening commutes on the train: stop it. There are many things to hold onto on trains. You are called a straphanger for a reason. If you can't reach the metal straps above the seats on trains, there are handrails on trains that a five-year-old can reach. Hold onto these handrails and I promise that you will not fall on me.
Yes, I did fall on a man once during my morning commute last year and, yes, I did inadvertently grab his crotch to keep my balance. Let it be known, however, that all of this transpired because a woman fell on me with so much force that I lost my grip on a handrail and fell on said man's crotch.
It wasn't my fault.
The domino effect would not have taken place had the imbecilic woman "straphanged" as she was, by definition, supposed to be doing in the first place.
I hope you can work on changing your ways.
Thank you and best wishes,
ps: if any of the people I hate happened to have Tivo'd Princes Charles, William and Harry's joint interview on Dateline NBC last night, please be in touch. I missed it and you providing me with the interview might significantly decrease the hate I have for you.