I'm sure you've all seen those "sexy" Overstock.com ads on television: a brunette who seems to have a gift for projecting to the camera nothing but the most anemic attempts at being sexy, sighs, "It's all about the O," against a virginal white backdrop. Needless to say, I find this ad campaign to be very annoying. I should have followed my instincts and dismissed my friend's suggestion to visit Overstock.com when I was on the market for a coffeemaker.
You see, a little over two months ago, I decided to transform my office into a hip, happening joint by tempting colleagues with fancy-pants coffee sent to me by a friend. Now, the communal coffeemaker in this quadrant of our floor wouldn't do since it's not in my office and it isn't digital (I don't know whether a digital coffeemaker guarantees superior cups of joe, but I want to believe that it does). Plus, I wasn't about to let inferior-coffee-residue get in the way of fancy-pants coffee perfection. See what I mean?
A friend, who has since confessed to never having actually used Overstock.com, informed me about the terrific prices for products on the website and insisted I check it out. I did. I found one that I thought was perfect, the DeLonghi 12-cup digital coffeemaker, which, among other delightful features, boasted the following:
*12-cup programmable coffeemaker lets you load the grounds, fill the tank, and set the start-time in advance so you can wake up to a fresh pot of Joe
*Automatically shuts off after 2 hrs. and the eco-friendly permanent filter eliminates the need for paper throwaways
*Showerhead design saturates all of the coffee grounds, bringing out the fullest possible flavor
So I purchased the coffeemaker (for something like $15) and was downright giddy when it arrived two days later. I bought skim milk and had our office manager make room for the coffeemaker on one of my shelves by shifting it down, which proved to be a project in itself.
I christened the DeLonghi with my assistant that very same morning; I was looking forward to drinking superior Hawaiian coffee brewed in a superior digital coffeemaker and served with skim milk, which is always superior to that nasty powdery shit with which the company provides us...that is until the coffeemaker started leaking a small flood in my office.
It was defective. Sigh. Even more infuriating, however, was the circus act I was expected to perform in order to return the bloody coffeemaker. I thought about going through with it until thinking about it made me way too tired to actually do anything about it.
So, now, the DeLonghi digital coffeemaker sits haphazardly on my shelf, it's wire spilling defeatedly onto my now-dry carpet. The coffee,which was sampled once in the communal coffeemaker but came out as weak as communal coffemakers are, rests next to the DeLonghi, folded over in shame.
Damn you Overstock.com and damn you lying, wanna-be seductress of Overstock.com.