MY RETURN or I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN

Dear Readers:

I am back. To answer your clamorous demands to know where I've been all of this time is impossible. It would be rather like counting the hair on a bumblebee's back or parallel parking. Therefore, just be satisfied with this, kittens: I have meditated on life and art; I have scaled mountains of uncertainty only to come down defeated; I have drank from the cup of truth but remain in a cloud of uncertainty and doubt. Yes, I have been to that place only slackers know and have, if momentarily, embraced a sort of physical and mental laziness that can only be described in words that are quite contradictory to what you may associate with laziness. This much is for sure, however: I am once again my allergies' bitch, slapped into complete and utter submission by pollen. I may or may not be suffering from the following ailments, all of which have struck at different times during my brief (but, oh, it feels so long) hiatus: breast cancer, diabetes, ovarian cancer, brain cancer, heart disease, Rocky Mountain spotted fever, skin cancer (contrary to what the bff told me, my research has shown that asians are, in fact, perfectly susceptible to the disease! SPF 5 suncreen is a villain, indeed), and early onset Alzheimer's. Oh, to be a hypochondriac! 'Tis an existence full of drama, angst, and frantic calls to my health insurance company's 24-hour, on-call nursing line. Adding to all of this drama is the following news: just like my former wireless router, my new wireless router went kaput after two whole days of granting my laptop internet connection. I am defeated. I am utterly defeated.

I may be defeated, kittens, but, rest assured that I am back. I've returned. I may not be any wiser but, then again, I never promised you any wisdom. So, stay if you will. And welcome back.