Thursday, June 28, 2007


I've been craving beef jerky all morning.
I haven't craved beef in the 2.5 years I've been a vegetarian.
For the love of Ingrid Newkirk, what kind of a vegetarian am I!!!???


? said...

Carnivorous Vegetarian!

R. Arlington Russell, Jr. said...

? said...

Why did you choose to be vegetarian to begin with?

? said...

Subject: I�m on the clock, MUST GET MARRIED SOON

This is an open letter to all the women I am about to date.

** MY TIMELINE IS SET**. I know it is not your fault but that loud, ominous ticking in the background is my internal timepiece. Even now, precious seconds that we should be using to get to know each other are being lost.
You may have noticed written on my obsessively clean whiteboards at both work and home the simple phrase �Getting Married, Feb 14, 2003�. I don�t want this to alarm you, thinking perhaps that I was already betrothed to another. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am not currently seeing anyone seriously so you are in luck. As for the day, I thought a day dedicated to love would be a great day to get married. I decided that I wanted to be married by 30 and *DAMN* wouldn�t you know it, that sacred age is already upon me. Our wedding will be on Feb 14, one less thing to decide.

Having explained *WHY* I will be getting married to one of you lucky ladies this year, I must lay some ground rules. Given the very short timeframe and the obvious need to plan a semi-formal wedding, the entire courtship phase must be complete prior to December 15th of this year. You may file for an extension, requesting a longer courtship which will be considered on an as necessary basis and will not effect the eventual date of the nuptials. Below is the timeline in project management format (available in Gantt-Chart format upon request)

1. Today � first date, 1st or 2nd base attained. No time for playing coy beyond the typical blushing when I attempt to hold your hand (expected within the first 35 minutes).

2. Obligatory week �reflecting� on the potential of the relationship with a spattering of familiarity building phone calls. Calls will be ~ 30 minutes in length and will not engage in idle chitchat. In order to be successful here you must have read a book within the last 4 weeks(pop psychology does not count), be able to name at least one country on each continent, and have an opinion on any subject not in the entertainment section of the newspaper. (The very general phrase �this country sucks� and/or �that country sucks� do not count as opinions on international and domestic affairs)

3. Next weekend � Second date, 3rd base with home run imminent. As this is the only time for �the chase� (aka �will she or won�t she thrill�), the effect should be maximized by wearing something mildly suggestive. This will likely have the impact of hormone stimulation. Make me want it bad.

4. Following day � Third date, first sex (the passion and length should not be indicative of expectations for all future sexual encounters. Initial lovemaking sessions EXCEED expectations and should not be taken for the norm)

5. 2 weeks later � first �I love being with you��s are exchanged. Mutual happiness parity.

6. 2 weeks later � first �I love you��s exchanged. These I love you�s must come within 12.5 seconds of one other to assure mutual happiness parity. If by the end of the week, you have not initiated the exchange, I will take the leadership role. My expectation is that your response will be both timely and convincing.

7. 1 week later � first and only serious fight. This is necessary to establish boundaries and give the relationship a sense of realism. Possible topics include relationship with friends, political beliefs or common courtesy. Conflict will quickly resolve itself and relation will resume it�s course approximately 24 hours later.

8. By Oct 15 we will be cohabitating. First choice will be my current residence with yours as a fallback location. Joint lease will be signed to ensure parity of commitment.

9. On or before Dec 15, I will take you to a sentimental location after and communicate the current status of my feelings. I will then present a reasonable sized ring and ask you to marry me. It is acceptable to feign thinking of the levity of the situation before agreeing to the holy union. The process of �contemplation� will not last beyond 30 minutes.

NOTE Dating me beyond step 4 will be considered a legally binding move. In doing so you are accepting our eventual merger and changing your mind is no longer an option.

Here are a few of the things that I will not have time for in our courtship:
- Meeting your mother more than once (NO overnight visit)
- Any third party drama of an ex-boyfriend or love-triangle
- Marriage retreats/encounters or any thinly disguised church-based endorsement of our joining together.

I am looking forward to getting to know you better. Until step 5, there is a chance I will be dating several people at once in an effort to lock down Ms. Right. In the event that two or more candidates are approaching Step 5 simultaneously, I will hold a �Survivor-style� competition in which you will have an equal opportunity to attempt to earn your place as the primary applicant. Rules TBD

Talk to you soon�

Serious reply only.

SabilaK said...

RAR: Vegan jerky?! Holy crap! I'm so there!

?: I'm veggie because I don't want to eat something I can potentially befriend. I'm still struggling over the whole "pesco" part of my pesco-ovo-lacto vegeterianism.

?: You should start a "I-must-be-married-by-February-14-2008-blog." It'll rock. And we can link each other.
My mother wishes I could be more like you.

? said...

Being vegetarian is good, most of my family thinks like you do. I dont :)

Whats up with the 14th Feb 08? Is that your [mother's] deadline?