Thursday, January 24, 2008

Dear Women Who Insist on Commuting in Their Heels: An Open Letter

Dear Women Who Insist on Commuting in Their Heels:

I'm sorry but I hate you. I realize it's your prerogative to wear high-ass heels wherever the hell you want to but New Yorkers are walking 10% faster than a decade ago and, honestly, if you can't keep up in your Jimmy Choo knockoffs, then don't bother wearing them on the streets of Manhattan. I don't care how tall or well put together you look as you teeter painfully in front of me. No one gives a crap. What New Yorkers do care about is being stuck on a staircase behind your dumb, vain ass, as the trains we were hoping to catch slowly slip away.

You are self-centered and, clearly, you're also a fool for compromising your entire musculoskeletal health. You've messed with my schedule way too many times, you Imelda-freakin'-Marcos of Gotham. A couple of years ago, I watched one of your spike-heeled sisters tumble on a I-stow-my-lovely-heels-in-my-handbag-and-walk-in-sensible-flats-because-I'm-not-a-wanker lady. Bastards. All of you. Forget terrorists. We should be reporting sightings of you on the subway.

Yes, I also happen to be a I-stow-my-lovely-heels-in-my-handbag-and-walk-in-sensible-flats-because-I'm-not-a-wanker lady. However, I confess that several years ago, I also terrorized Manhattanites with my naivete: I wore all varieties of heels during my commutes. Stilettos, three-inch pumps, those crazy platforms that were all the rage in the early name it, I wore it. I'm telling you this because if I could change, so can you. There is hope, you Carrie Bradshaws. There is hope.


The Nerddd

ps: The carrot post below was in no way intended to be pornographic. Now that it has entered that realm of smut, um, well, apologies for offending those of you with delicate sensibilities and you're welcome to my readers who are all viva la pornografia.


Francesca said...

Slow women in heels isn't a problem for me, maybe because I live on the Upper West Side. I hate people with long extended handles rolling their luggage and assorted other cases, heedless of whom they trip up or run over. Oh, and people with long flexi-leashes on their dogs. I hate them, too.

Hmmm, venting day at the office?

Sasha said...

I hate people right now.


googliboo said...

I love me a good comfy pair of flats for everyday wear, especially since I had a not so pretty fall one gloomy winter which landed me on my hiney and I had quite a few witnesses!

jessica6 said...

I always wear my heels. From what I've noticed, the women who bash other heel wearing women are usually jealous or too fat to comfortably wear heels as often as I do. Sorry, but it seems to be a hard to accept reality.

Trauma Queen said...

well isnt it a good thing that flats are in fashion?

and hey - i really like ur blog

and what were u really aiming at if ur carrot post was NOT meant to be "smutty"- i mean an upside down photo with two things next to it?

ahem ahem

SabilaK said...

Jessica 6:
1) You must not live in a city like NYC where the pace of life is unlike anything you've seen before;

2) I'm a workout freak, can run 10+ miles effortlessly and hit the gym 6 days a week;

3) I'm too busy and too intelligent to let the shoe choices of other women make me jealous.


SabilaK said...

Trauma Queen:

I like your blog too! Don't change your name, by the way. It has a nice ring to it.

I have delicate sensibilities. I know nothing of smutty intentions.


jessica6 said...

I do not live in NYC, but San Francisco for a while. It moved pretty fast there, too.

Here you go, just for NYC women!


Don't forget the DVD!