PAKISTANDARDS: Lahore, Rail Cars and the Nerd

It's late summer in '91. The Khan family is enjoying (and by “enjoying,” I mean “not enjoying”) their vacation in Pakistan (the eldest Khan boy is 19, the second son 17 and the Nerd is 12...as teens or preteens, first generation Americans are almost genetically programmed to dislike the country of their parents. The Khan children have been ill from the day they arrived to Pakistan, they don’t like leaving the air-conditioned homes of their relatives to suffer under the sweltering South Asian sun that burns the pavement and, in turn, turns the underside of their feet into toast, they’ve been assaulted by Pakistani mosquitoes (which, I might add, pack a lot more punch than the American variety), and they don’t like much the load shedding that plagues them on an almost nightly basis, shutting down the electricity of several city blocks in order to manage the high volume of energy consumption. We’d be dreaming a collective pipe dream if we assumed that they are anything other than miserable during this vacation.).
Abu (Urdu for father) has decided that there is only one answer to curing his children’s misery: a visit to Lahore. At one time, the capital city of the Mughal Empire, Lahore is the cultural and academic center of Pakistan. Unique and exquisite Mughal architecture still stands in the city, drawing tourists from around the world. Naturally, the Nerd’s father is a genius, albeit a laid back and unassuming one. His knowledge of South Asian history is vast, limitless, encyclopedic in its breadth. He tells his children stories about the Mughals, tales from the history books he read when he was even younger than they are now. And, in spite of the years, he remembers history as if he had a book propped open right before him.
The kids, already on the verge of complete meltdowns (well, actually, only the Nerd, who as a pre-teen, doesn’t enjoy most things, is on the verge of a meltdown. Her brothers are too cool to be mentioned in the same sentence as the word “meltdown.” Meltdowns don’t melt them…they melt meltdowns) start to look forward to Lahore.
But then their father announces that they will take a train from Islamabad to Lahore. And they don’t think much of it until he tells them that they won’t be traveling first class; the looks on the faces of their mother and cousins is enough to fill their already on-the-verge-of-exploding-with-emotion hearts with enough fear and dread to transform them into terrifyingly whiny creatures (and by “them” I mean “the Nerd”).
You see, the Nerd’s father is a man’s man. He likes to rough it when he travels. There’s no way that one can truly feel the land from behind double paned windows and inside air-conditioned cars. He believes that to know Pakistan, one must meet it face to face; this is the only way that the motherland will get under the children’s skin and spark in them a desire to know their history.
And, so, on the morning of the journey, the Nerd is dressed in traditional garb. She frowns and stomps her feet the entire time, fidgeting with the shalwaar kameez and the giant black shawl that they’ve wrapped her in. She’d rather be wearing jeans and a t-shirt but her aunt has cautioned them about allowing the Nerd to wear western clothing during the journey in the rail car. The Nerd grimaces at just the name of their mode of transportation and stomps her feet a few more times.
Clearly, the Nerd is a spoiled brat.
The family driver delivers the Khans to the train station from whence their rail car destined for Lahore will depart. Upon arriving on the platform, the Nerd takes a look at her grimy, dingy and shady surroundings and promptly bursts into tears. While too afraid to stomp her feet and draw anymore attention to herself, she does demand to be taken back to the United States.
Her parents and brothers sigh, leading her to the rail car (she continues to shiver at the name).
Once in the rail car, the members of the Khan family try to make themselves as comfortable as they can in their seats. The parents sit side by side while the children sit in the row directly across from and facing them. An open window rests between them, promising spectacular views of the Pakistani countryside. The Nerd, as upset as she is, gets ready with her camera, her eyes still red from the episode on the platform.
The Khan family engages in conversation. Abu tells them more about Mughal history and the assortment of pre-Mughal, Mughal and British colonial architecture they will see. Names such as Muhammad bin Qasim and Akbar, Shah Jahan and Jahingir dance syllabically from his mouth.
The Nerd almost forgets that she’s sitting on a rail car seat that is currently rendering her rear end as numb as would an anesthetic.
But then the rail car comes to life, raring to go on its journey. As it chugs along the tracks, past the magnificent countryside, dust flies in waves so thick that within a couple of minutes, the Khan children, all of whom are wearing some black, appear to be dressed in khaki. The dust is attacking the family with the force and tenacity of a villain and the Nerd’s mother tells her boys to close the window. The strapping young men stand up, and together push down the window…only to discover that there is no glass. The window is merely a frame.
The Nerd, sniffing back her horror, returns the camera to her bag.
So, the Khan family is acquainted with the relentless dust of Pakistan and is unable to see much of the view from eyes that are squinted and, in the case of the Nerd, full of angry, angry tears. The deafening sounds of the train drown out any further conversations that could be had.
By the time the train pulls into the Lahore station, the Khan family is covered in layers of dirt. To top things off, the Nerd must pee. She’s wanted to pee ever since the train left Islamabad but her fear of discovering what the bathrooms in the (shudder) rail car might look like, the Nerd has held it in for a very long time and is once again—surprise—on the verge of tears, for she must go very badly.
The Nerd and her mother make their way to the ladies’ room. Amma (Urdu for mother) tells the Nerd that she will wait outside as the Nerd walks into a stall.
What lies behind the door of the stall inspires more tears from our Nerd.
Sobbing, she walks out and tells her mother that the toilets are holes in the floor, that she’s NOT going to pee in a HOLE IN THE FLOOR!
So, the Nerd sobs, further annoying her amma and drawing stares from the shalwar kameez-clad travelers who have just walked into the restroom. An exasperated amma announces that she’ll accompany the Nerd to the toilet and together they can figure out how the Nerd will do what she has to in that stinky HOLE IN THE FLOOR!
Meanwhile, the women continue to listen, their faces studies in confusion.
So, amma slams the stall down behind her and her daughter and scolds the Nerd into peeing into the HOLE IN THE FLOOR!
The Nerd cries the entire time, first complaining that she simply cannot do it and then finally acquiescing but crying even harder.
The women still wait outside the stall, even though two other HOLES IN THE FLOOR are free. They are curious to see what in the hell is going on.
The Nerd looks at them and sheds some more tears.
In spite of this most hapless of starts to their Lahore expedition, and in spite of the fact that the Nerd, upon her arrival to Pakistan’s historical and cultural center, develops a fever and falls ill, the Khan family has only the fondest and the funniest memories of their vacation.
Oh, and the Nerd absolutely LOVED the fish she ate in Lahore and decided that it was almost worth the miserable journey to the city.
The family, it ought to be noted, took a first class train on their return journey to Islamabad.